THE YEAR I DIED (sort of)

The past year plus of my life has been fraught with pain and confusion the likes of which no one should ever have to endure. The bringer of this painful season is not one that can be seen. He had this planned years in advance. He had been putting the pieces in place since my childhood. His plan for my life, as it is with all human life, is destruction; the destruction of love and faith for generations to come.  But his plan has failed. To onlookers it may seem like our enemy succeeded but this victory can only be seen by close inspection of the hearts involved. 

This pain, confusion, frustration and despair has only caused Love to grow in my heart. Through this horrible time I have learned to trust more and depend more on The One my heart desires.

I see anger and fear erupting in other's souls as they continue to struggle with and try to fix this situation, but peace has begun to rule in my soul and spirit.

I was finally able to receive this unexplainable peace when I stopped seeing the "human element" as the problem and started seeing the spiritual element. This is not a flesh and blood issue, this is an issue with the enemy of our souls. (Ephesians 6:12)

Many say "Yeah, but human decision was involved." Yes it was. Human decision is a wonderful gift from God; free will to choose to follow God and love Him willingly or not. Take that away and we are no longer what He created us to be.

So yes, it has been the absolute worst year of my life. But in true God fashion it has also been the year that He was more real and closer to me than ever before. While I wish things could have been different, I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned nor the closeness I have felt with my Abba for anything.

For the first time I feel a kinship with so many of my Bible heroes who, until now, have been like stories of people I could never really be like.  

Joseph and I went through some bad stuff that was meant to destroy us, but God used it for our good and His glory! The recipients of James' letter and I were going through trials that produced patience and we will be complete lacking nothing. Paul and I thought we were going to die, but through our near death experience we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God who raises the dead. We were rescued from mortal danger.*

Through all of this Joseph, the Jewish Christians, Paul and I want you to know something. If we can make it so can you!

We were rescued and given this amazing peace because we trusted God; we learned to rely on Him. Since we placed our confidence in God, He will continue to rescue us!

Life gets downright vicious sometimes but when it does, fix your focus on God. God has always been in love with you and will relentlessly pursue you with a mercy, grace, peace and love the likes of which EVERYONE should get to endure.  

*Read Joseph's story starting in Genesis 37.

*Read the book of James to see the struggle of the Jewish Christians he was writing to.

*Read 2 Corinthians 1 (especially 8-11) for encouragement from one of Paul's near death encounters. 

Broken Glass/Broken Life

In June of 2013 my husband landed "the dream job". We would finally have financial security! We were so excited that God had provided such a great opportunity for our family. Nothing could get us down! Fast forward to April 2014... The company had a huge layoff and thousands of employees lost their jobs, my husband included. He received unemployment benefits, which were just enough to cover the bills, but he remained unemployed until June 2nd. At that time we were OK but if something major came up we would be sunk.

On June 3rd, something major came up. My children and I were going to visit out of town family. When we walked outside we  discovered the sliding door window of our van had been shattered. Four days later, my husband was mowing the lawn and accidentally slung a rock into the drivers door window of his car. Have you ever had one of those weeks?

Our broken van window

Our broken car window

But this is not a story of how God met our needs, although He did. Both windows were replaced much cheaper than we had expected. The story I want to tell is what God taught me from the broken glass.

The first thing we thought when we saw the broken window was "How did that happen?". Many possible sources came to mind. A passing car, the neighbor's lawnmower, some really mean person could have taken a baseball bat to it, someone even thought the heat could have caused it to break. No one really knew. And it's the same with our lives. Sometimes we get broken. The brokenness could have come from anywhere. Someone intentionally or accidentally caused us pain, our own bad decisions put us in a state of stress, etc. The source of our broken hearts doesn't really matter. What matters is that we are broken and it hurts.

So we are broken, now what do we do? We try to fix it of course! With my window I did the only thing I could do; I taped plastic bags over it. I was pretty proud of the job I did with such inferior equipment too. It started raining as I was finishing up but my plastic held. The next day a bigger storm came and blew my little band-aid away. And don't we do the same things in our lives? Some turn to alcohol, drugs, food, work or some other form of busyness. We also use anger and avoidance to patch up the injury. But while they may hold for a little while, like the plastic on my busted window, eventually a bigger storm will blow through our lives and the jagged edges of our pain will be exposed again.

While I surveyed the damage of my window God showed me something about the glass. There was apparently meaning in where it fell. Some of the glass fell inside the van, some onto the ground, and some just hung onto the window frame. The glass on the inside represented those hurts that no one sees. The pain that we hide, the shame that affects who we are. The glass that stayed attached was just hanging in ugly shards and it represented the physical affect of our brokenness. The swollen eyes from crying, the pale face and dark circles under the eyes from sleepless nights. In the glass on the ground I saw how our pain can affect others. When we hurt we may pull away from others, neglect relationship or we may lash out in anger and frustration.

Glass on the ground

Glass still clinging to the frame

So what happens next? With my window the first thing I did was clear the glass that was still hanging on. In our lives this would be washing our face, putting on makeup, making ourselves look less broken.

Next, I picked up what I could from the ground. We try to make amends to those we may have hurt through our bitterness. We attempt to rejoin the world and do the best we can.

The third thing that happened with the van was cleaning out the glass that had spilled on the inside. This was the last thing I did with my van but in our lives, the inside is the first thing we should tend to. If we don't get what is going on in our hearts cleaned up first, then all the makeup and apologizes in the world will mean nothing.

My husband had to help me with this part of the clean up. With his help the work was much easier and more efficient. The two things that God reminded me of during this process was;

1) Only He (God) can clean up the brokenness in our hearts. He is the only one who can find all the pieces and take them away. But we must release it all to Him. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Reach out, take His hand and let Him rescue you. He will guide you through the pain and into His healing love.

2) We can't do it alone. In the case of my van, there was just too much glass; I had to have help. In
our lives, sometimes there is just too much pain. God can and will rescue us but He never meant for us to go through life alone. He places people in our lives to walk with us. This is our family, friends and especially our Church family. Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." We smooth the rough edges from each other's lives. We help bear each other's burdens. James 5:16 "...confess to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed"  Amazing things happen when we pray for each other. Don't keep it to yourself, talk to a Christian friend and allow them to pray for your healing.

With my husband's help, the window got patched up much better than I could have done on my own. And it held until we were able to replace it.

Once we let God start cleaning us up and we partner with a strong believer who is committed to helping us, we will begin to experience more protection and healing. Then one day we realize the buzzing of the wind against the plastic is gone and a brand new window is in it's place!

We still remember the brokenness and all the pain and frustration it caused, but it's healed. We are whole! Now we are the ones who are stronger and have experience with broken windows. We can be the one someone leans on, the one showing God's love and being a conduit of grace and healing, to be used by God to lead others to freedom in Christ!

This is what God wants us to do. He blesses us so we can bless others. He frees us so He can use us to free others. We are His plan to reach the world. Isn't it wonderful that through our healing others can be healed?

God loves to redeem our brokenness for His ultimate glory but also for what we find in Genesis 50:20. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position to save the lives of many people."

God will bring you though your pain to a place where He can save the lives of many through you.

God, Here I am...Waiting.

This is a poem of sorts that I wrote during an especially trying time in my life. It seems another trying time is upon me at the moment and the Lord led me back to this. No matter what has happened in my life God has always been there. He understands me better than I understand myself. Reading back over this has given me a peace about where I am right now. My right now situation needs some adjusting but I know there is a plan in it. I just need to wait on the Lord and trust in Him to make the right adjustments. I hope this helps and blesses you as much as it did me.

God, Here I am...Waiting.

Ok God, here I am, I’m waiting on you.

I’ve done all I can and I’m just waiting.

Things are falling apart,

This storm is getting rough.

My mind is cloudy.

My heart is broken.

I’m fighting defeating thoughts.

God, are you there?

God, do you hear?

I’m not sure I can make it this time, Lord.

All really does seem lost.

I hear them doubting you, but I can’t agree.

You’ve come through for me so many times before.

I know you’ll come this time too God,

But what’s the waiting for?

I love you

I praise you

And I pray to love you more.

I pray for you to use me Lord,

But right now I feel abused.

I cannot understand this trial that you have put on me.

Could there really be a purpose for all this pain?

All the prayers for your will I’ve prayed;

This is what comes my way?

Oh God, I’m waiting.

I’m unsure.

I’m frightened.

But I will not pray that you take me out of this;

Only that you take me through this.

If this be your will for me;

I’ll walk until I can’t.

Then, dear Lord, I’ll just trust;

Trust you to carry me on.

Image from: http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2012/03/waiting-on-god.html

They Will Know We are Christians?

♫“So let my life be the proof,

The proof of Your love

Let my love look like You and 

What You're made of

How You lived, how You died

Love is sacrifice

So let my life be the proof,

The proof of Your love”♫

After hearing the lyrics of this song, sung by the Christian band 'For King and Country', I felt such a tug at my heart. My mind started recalling all the unbelievers I had recently spoken to. The most common thread among these people has been that they notice the behavior of Christians does not match the things they preach, teach and say they believe. Neither I nor they claim this to apply to all believers, but it does apply to far too many. So if we aren’t doing or acting like we are supposed to, how should we change and why?

Why? Because how else are non-believers going to become believers? Christians are supposed to be the proof of God’s love. Matthew 5:14 says that we are “the light of the world.” Verse 16 says “let your light shine before others,” It’s pretty simple to understand these verses; we are the light and we are to shine before others. Lights show the way through the dark. So basically Christians are to be the flashlights of the world, showing the way to those who haven’t found God’s love.

Now, how does one of God’s shining lights look and act? First we don’t do as the world does because you can't win them if you join them. If it is a blueprint for Christian living you are looking for I suggest we start with God Himself. 1 John 4:8 says that “God is love”. So we must start with love since that is the very nature of The One we want to portray to others. What is love and how do we show it? Fortunately for us, there is a chapter in the Bible known as “The Love Chapter” and it speaks of what true Love should look like.

1 Corinthians chapter 13 starts off by telling us that anything we do, that we do not do with love is as nothing. We can speak the Word of God to unbelievers and make every verse’s meaning crystal clear but if we aren’t speaking with love then the sounds coming from our mouths are useless. Sounds like love is pretty important, doesn’t it?

Verse 4 starts with “Love is…” Here’s where we find out if what we think we’ve been doing for God was done in love or if it has been useless. Love means being patient and kind; have you argued with an unbeliever? Love doesn’t envy or boast; wanting something that belongs to someone else, or bragging about what you have or what you’ve done. Love is not arrogant or rude; it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful. Love does not keep score. Love rejoices in the truth. Love protects, trusts, hopes, always perseveres. Love doesn’t end. Now we see what love is, does and doesn’t do. We have read it so if we don’t do it, it will be sin for us. (James 4:17)

All of those “love is…” verses may seem difficult at first but when we pray and ask God to help us see others as He sees them and love them with His love I believe we will see things change.

I can’t talk about how we should love and not say something about who we should love. Our enemies should feel the same love we show our friends. Those who persecute us should feel God’s love from us as well. (Matthew 5:44) Ouch! I know that’s a hard one to swallow but it’s in the Word and we should live by it. Love always perseveres, remember? I have found that walking away is sometimes the only way to show love. God is love, so to show true unconditional love to someone, especially when it’s difficult to do so, is to show them God.

Our goal as Christians should be to always grow closer to God and in doing so start to look and act more like him every day. The more we act like Him the more people will notice our “set apartness” and they will want what we have. Love attracts people. I am so confident in my belief that I will boldly say that if everyone who says they are a Christian would love like Jesus and strive to be more like him every day we would have a major decline in unbelief in our world.

Christian’s lives are the proof of God’s love. My prayer is that we all start loving with that uncommon love that Jesus showed, after all love is the best thing there is.

“But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG)

Useless Fear and Anxiety

Worry, stress, anxiety, fear; these are words our culture know all too well. Every day we find new things to fret about. We watch the news we worry, the bills come in we stress, someone questions our work and we need a nerve pill. These feelings of dread are nothing new, humans have dealt with them since Adam and Eve first disobeyed God. (Gen. 3:6)

At the moment of that first sin, fear came into the world. Before the sin there was no need for fear because everything was perfect. Sin created a need for consequence and we fear consequence; so started the history of our feelings of dread.

It is strange that we as Christians today still fear and worry and stress when we have so many examples of God taking care of those before us and some in much worse conditions than our own.

We see God deliver the children of Israel from the clutches of an evil Egyptian pharaoh. (Exodus 12–14) He knocks down the city walls of Jericho for them later. (Joshua 5:13-20). God created a clerical error that allowed Corrie Ten Boom to walk out of a Nazi concentration camp a week before all the women her age were executed. It is God’s hand that stopped a woman from killing her unborn child. God, who makes us wake up late so that we are not in the path of a drunk driver. He has done amazing things and is still doing amazing things, so why do we fear?

I have asked myself that question so many times without any answer other than, “consequences”. But God in all His infinite wisdom gave me an answer on one ordinary day in the form of my son screaming at a cartoon movie.

Matthew was watching the movie Megamind, which he had seen so many times before. It came to a part where Megamind, the villain, and Roxanne Ritchie, the damsel, were discussing what should be done about the newest terror of Metro City. Roxanne believes they should go in with guns blazing and save the city! Megamind however is bogged down by the fact that he has always been the bad guy and doesn’t even think to consider that he could be good. He says “I'm the bad guy! I don't save the day, I don't fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get the girl!” Well that was too much for my baby boy to handle, he screamed encouragement to the guy with the big blue head “You do save the day! You do get the girl! You do win! Don’t give up!” I laughed at this and continued with the laundry but after a minute or so it hit me. Megamind didn't know what Matthew knew. If he knew that he would win and all the details of how to get there then he wouldn't have hesitated to go get the bad guy. But he didn't know, and he feared the unknown, just as we do.

Matthew had seen the end and everything that lead to it, so he had full confidence in this character’s abilities. Much like God has seen our lives play out from beginning to end and he knows what steps we need to take next to fulfill the plan he has for us; to get us to our big victory scene. Don’t give up!

We are even one step ahead of Megamind, we know that in the end we will win, if we are faithful to our Lord. He gave us an entire book to let us know what we need to do to get to the “winner’s circle”.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4) Wow! What a wonderful winner’s circle that will be! Don’t give up!

So even though we know the end of the story, we know what we must do to be on the winning side and we know THE ONE who controls it all, are we still going to worry? Probably, but when we stop trying to do it all ourselves, turn our lives completely over to God and let him work it out, we can live fearless and  victorious lives. Listen can’t you hear God screaming “You do win! DON’T GIVE UP!!”

                              “..If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)